Tuesday, May 18, 2010


Cory pointed out that my last blog, and a few things I've said in passing without really thinking, make him sound like less of a person then he actually is. When I say he "makes" me do things, this is not him talking, this is me. What actually happened is I mentioned that I would like to get a couple more frames and do projects for my kids like the ones that I did for his kids for Valentine's Day and get all of them up around the house. He mentioned it might be a good idea to get Mikelle's project done first. It was in no way forceful or demanding. It was in his same loving, gentle way that he says everything else. The way that "makes" me want to do them, just to make him pleased with me. It is all internally driven. The way that makes me love him more every day . He questions everything, which caused some pretty angry discussions at the beginning of our relationship. It took us having a very deep conversation (during which I think we both learned things we didn't know about each other and ourselves) that he is just inquisitive. When he questions things it isn't because he doesn't agree with them, it's because he really wants to know why. If things are important to me, if I have a preference, or even just a passing thought he wants to know what sparked it, why it matters, how I feel about it, and where it comes from.

He has influenced me to reexamine a lot of things that were important enough to me in previous times to cause extremely hurt feelings and massive defensiveness. Not with him, with others. My obsessive nature has caused huge rifts between me and quite a few other people, but with him I'm realizing that it REALLY doesn't matter if the bed is not made exactly perfect, if the fork is on the wrong side of the plate, if we don't buy the name brand food because "that's what I grew up with." I'm learning that store brands are in some cases better then the name brand stuff, finding ways to save money are fun, it's possible to have a great date night for under five dollars, life is more fun when you aren't stressing over every little detail, and loving someone means loving EVERYTHING about them. This last statement is not because I "have" to love everything about him, it's because he loves everything about me. Things that other people have either thought were a hinderance or just plain didn't even notice he not only notices but admires and compliments. Things that I always thought were things people should admire, or qualities that I've been proud of in myself, are the things that he mentions and loves. There is nothing more comforting and amazing than being loved for everything you are, and there is no one more comforting and amazing than him. I love him with all my heart, and it amazes me how much deeper it gets every day. He understands me on levels that I didn't even know existed. I am so lucky to have him, and I can't wait to spend forever with him. He is my heart, my soul, and my existence.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Blah... And other stuff.

It's been awhile since I've posted. I've been having a hard time putting my thoughts in to words. I feel like no matter where I am or how good of a day I'm having I still feel like there is this dark cloud hanging over my head. I'm hoping it's still just me adjusting to my lack of pills. I feel like I don't laugh as much anymore, like when I smile it's all fake, and I lose my patience a lot easier. I hate feeling like this. I feel like a bad wife, a bad mom, a bad sister, and a bad friend. I don't ever want to do anything anymore. I come home, cook dinner (sometimes, if my family is lucky), put the kids down, and go straight to bed. Bunco is this Thursday (something I normally look forward to) and I don't even want to go. If there weren't already so many people trying to get out of it, I would probably try to find a sub.

I have been attempting to get some work done on my sister's (very, very late) Christmas present. Just to clarify, I add a very for every Christmas that goes by without me finishing it. I have a very late and a very, very late that I owe to two different sisters. I've never been one for finishing things on time. It's difficult, the very, very late present. I've had to unpick a lot, and I'm hoping it doesn't show too much once she finally gets it. I've been put under orders (from a very sweet husband who is just trying to be motivating) that I am not allowed to do any other projects until I finish this particular one. If I ever do get to the point that I finish things on time it will be all because of him. He is my motivator, and I'm lucky to have him around.

Lexie had her Mother's Day program at school. It was very cute, and very different from the programs that they put on in Kindergarten. I remember going to the little programs last year and barely being able to tell that anyone was singing. They were all so quiet and shy. This year, they sang along to a piano instead of a cd, and they all really sang out. It was nice to actually hear the kids. We got some video of it that I will upload once we get internet at home (if we ever do) or once I can get over to my parent's house with all the necessary equipment. She made us a book, an actual hardcover book, that was written and illustrated by her. She drew some very cute pictures of her interacting with all of us, and even a page dedicated to my sister's dog Sophie. Cory laughed so hard at her page for him. She wrote "I love wrestling with my dad." and drew a picture of her flying through the air saying "Look out, daddy!" with him screaming and trying to get away. It was so cute. She made Cory a "grass-head" guy, which sits proudly on his desk, because the dad's get cheated out with having Father's Day not be during school. She was so excited for us to come see her, and did such a great job. I love seeing her work so hard.

Phillip has been really expressing himself lately. We've been trying to give him choices whenever possible, and he's been using that freedom very responsibly. Most of the time, it is only things as simple as what he would like to eat. I've tried a few times in the past to give him choices, and he would just grab whichever one he saw first without really looking at them. Now, when we hold two things out for him to choose between, he will look back and forth between them and study them very carefully, then take one from us and put it on the table. He'll also pull out the toybox he wants to play with down in the playroom and wait for us to open it. He has started trying things on his own, and then when he can't do them himself he'll grab our hands and put them on whatever object he needs help with (opening his cuppie, opening doors, getting toys to work). He seems to be really seeking his independence. But, along with this comes quite a few challenges. He used to be a lot like a baby. We could do what we needed to do with very little push back from him. Now, when he needs to do something he doesn't want to do (like getting his diaper changed or going to bed) we get a lot of attitude. He bites, kicks, cries, and throws tantrums. I know it could be a lot worse. I've seen it a lot worse in other kids. But compared to my sweet, easy going little boy of previous time, this is a lot for me to deal with. I have a hard time reminding myself that this is how he communicates and I just need to be patient. I can't wait for the words to come...