Friday, October 21, 2011

Good Ending to a Bad Day

Today pretty much sucked.  I woke up ornery and grumpy.  I hate mornings when I have to get up and everybody else gets to sleep in.  Cory worked from home today and the kids didn't have school, so they were all still in bed when I left for work. 

I have an issue with my eyes that makes it very difficult for me to see when it is dark outside.  Normally I can just see lights, not the lines or the barricades or anything else.  It's especially bad when it rains.  My eye doctor says that I have an imperfection in my right eyeball, and there is nothing they can do about it.  Normally, this isn't too bad of a problem.  I've learned that if I leave early enough there isn't much traffic, and if I can get on the freeway and all the way over to the left I can stay out of the way of all the cars trying to make the connection to the main freeway.  Today didn't go according to plan.  I got on the freeway and got over to the left, and was getting in the groove of things when I glanced in my rearview mirror.  I saw the hood of a car.  No bumper, no headlights, just the hood.  I swear, the car had it's nose practically shoved up my tailpipe.  There was not a car there 30 seconds earlier, so I'm sure it had to be going pretty fast, and it was PISSED that I was in it's way.  I turned on my blinker and turned to check my blind spot, and saw multiple other sets of headlights.  I couldn't tell what lane they were in, but I figured it probably wasn't safe for me to switch lanes right then.  So, I turned off my blinker and sped up.  The car lodged up my tailpipe did not like this decision.  He started backing off and then coming closer while flashing his lights, and swerving to the left like he was going to go around me on the shoulder.  My heart started racing and my head got hot.  I am not a great driver anyway, and I do my best to stay out of people's way.  After what seemed like an eternity, but in real time was maybe only a minute or two, traffic cleared enough that he was able to get around me on my right.  He went whipping past with his arm out the window, yelling at me and flipping me off.  The rest of the ride was pretty uneventful, but I arrived at work flustered and frustrated.

I went in to the building, logged in to my computer, and began running my reports as usual.  What was not usual was the fact that computer support had done an update last night and so all of my numbers for the month had changed.  This was a good thing, or so I thought, because there had been an error in the reports that was causing problems in my numbers.  I didn't mind having to go back and update everything because it meant they had fixed my problem.  But no... they had fixed one problem, but in the process had created another.  So I spent most of the morning working on figuring out what the new problem was so they could pinpoint it and get this one fixed.  I didn't mind too much at this point though.  This is what my supervisor had hired me for, my knowledge of the systems.  It has been a rough couple of months as we are working through the bugs that happened with a major release that went out, but I knew I was appreciated and didn't mind helping.

Then, my day took a drastic turn for the worst.  I had my employee review.  I know this is a fairly new job, but I have worked my butt off getting up to speed and making it so I am a contributing member of the team.  My work is always done on time, and I spend a good majority of my time at month end cleaning things up for the other members on my team so that we can meet our month end goal.  Plus, there's that whole working with the programmers thing that is above and beyond what my regular scope of my job is.  Our job performance is ranked on a scale of basically one to five.  One is a not met, two is a low met, three is a met, four is a high met, and five is an exceptional met.  I knew I probably wouldn't get an exceptional, but I figured with how hard I had been working and how much extra stuff I had been doing I should be at least a high met.  My supervisor did not agree.  The result was the lowest evaluation I have had in the five years I have worked for this company, and half an hour spent crying in the bathroom after struggling not to cry in front of my supervisor. 

I know I should be happy that I have a job at all, and I am, but it makes me feel like a complete failure when stuff like this happens.  I feel like I have failed my boss, myself, my team, and even my family.  I don't feel like a contributing member of anything at home or at work, and it makes me question how good I really am at anything I do.  I have already been feeling completely useless at home anyway because I'm so exhausted and stressed about everything going on, but now I feel like my performance at work is sub-par too.  I feel like why should I even try when nothing I do is good enough.  I wanted nothing more than just to come home and go to bed.

When the day was done I did come home, but I did not go to bed.  Lexie is off for a girls night with Mae Mae, and Cory is having a guys night out with a friend, so Phillip and I had peanut butter, applesauce, and popcorn for dinner while sitting in front of the tv watching Elmo's World.  It ended up being exactly what I needed.  His cute little laugh and his cuddles were everything I needed to remind me about what is important in the world.  I may suck at everything else, but tonight he knew that my world revolved around him, even if it was only for an hour.  Priorities are back in order, and tomorrow is a new day.  Hopefully by Monday I'll be ready to try my hand at being a good employee again.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Dinner Plans

Life has taken some interesting twists and turns lately, and there are things I'm not really ready to talk publicly about.  I am still sorting out feelings and working my way in to coherent thoughts, which is why the blog posts have been MIA.  There are so many things I would like to get down, just so I have a record of them, but my heart isn't quite ready yet.  So, for today, we are putting those aside.  I will get them out eventually for those who wish to know.

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Cory and I got back today from a weekend getaway without the kids to Boise to visit family.  I very rarely feel like cooking when we get back in to town, even more so than usual..  I know, hard to believe it gets WORSE than that so I had planned on having leftovers from a dinner we made last week.  It's an old family recipe, one that I grew up on, that just happens to be completely celiac.  It's basically hamburger, rice, tomato sauce, and a bunch of spices that you top with melted cheese and scoop up and eat with fritos.  I had made a large enough batch that there was just enough left for the three of us to have for dinner tonight. 

Phillip LOVES shredded cheese.  It's one of his staples that he has when he is staying with Mae Mae, and as soon as I got it out he grabbed the bag and tried to open it.  I had made him a hot dog, so I took it away from him so he would eat his dinner instead.  We sat down to dinner, and as soon as I put the shredded cheese on my haystacks Phillip scooted his chair closer to try to grab my cheese.  I moved the bowl away, and then figured I'd see if I could use the cheese to entice him to try the haystacks.  I've tried a few other times, but he's normally VERY wary of new foods.  I scooped some up with a frito, and aimed it towards his mouth.  He let me put it in, sat there and tasted it for a second, and then chewed it up and swallowed it.  I decided to try another bite, and he willingly ate it.  It took a few bites for him to get the idea that he was supposed to eat the chip WITH the haystacks instead of just scraping it off with his teeth, but he got it, and he loved it.  He ended up eating almost my whole bowl.  He seems to be getting so much more adventurous with foods lately, and I love it.  Now I'm trying to come up with new ideas of what I can feed him. 

I ended up having ranch wheat thins for dinner.  It was either that or cook something else for me.  Did I mention I don't like to cook?